I wish to thank the members of the academy for asking me to submit this report concerning my former existence as an avocado. I am honored that the gentlemen here would take such an acute interest in the past of one of the academy’s lowest members, especially such a fruit as myself. It saddens me greatly to admit that I do not remember anything of my life before I awoke from being in a permanent vegetative state. This report will be covering the process of my adjustment to the life I presently lead.
They tell me that before I was awakened I was hanging in the southern region of the wonderful state of California, although I cannot recall ever being in such a deplorable circumstance. When first I became aware of my consciousness, I was in a wooden car, along with several of my brethren who had refused the precious gift of a rational intellect or who had not yet become awakened. At least, that is what they told me. During that time, I could not sense anything; it was too dark. I had not yet learned how to use any of the senses that humans do. My first thoughts were as follows. One: it appears that I exist. Two: a thing cannot simultaneously exist and not exist.
The next thing that occurred to me was the concept of quantity. I realized that my previous thoughts of being and not being were separate and different, that they were not one thought, but two. I also realized that realization of that fact was a third thought, et cetera. Upon the discovery of such limitless concept, I realized what exactly my awakening meant. I realized then that I was aware of my own consciousness, and that I was aware that I was aware, and so forth. And so for a while I pondered myself; contemplating things.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that I cannot be the only being which refers to themselves as ‘myself’. In other words, I thought that there must be other things which possess self-aware consciousness. I wondered if there were a way in which we might communicate. I later learned that the tools used in such communications are called senses, which are also used by the mind to contemplate things. I had always supposed that there must be other forms of objects for my mind to contemplate than myself. The first sense I learned was that of sensation, the most elementary sense of them all. I sensed at first my own body: that part of myself which occupied space and which provided information to my intellect. Then, I could sense that it was in contact with other bodies, which were similar to my own. These were my brethren, but in a way they also were not because they did not possess an intellect like I had. I had quite a long time to think about my situation. I thought about how the contact between some of the avocados was greater than others, and I eventually learned that the difference in magnitude of these contacts was called pressure. I realized that the general direction of the differences in pressure was linear, which I eventually was taught was caused by a force called gravity.
It wasn’t long before I could detect that my fellow avocados were being removed from my presence, beginning with the ones that were exerting a downward pressure on myself. Next, a material that was not an avocado came into to contact with me and removed me from the wooden box. This was the first time I experienced motion, and realized the full extent of the concept of location and locomotion. After quite a lonely period of isolation in my new, better location, I came to learn the sense of sound. Because of a lack of contact with anything, I realized that I could detect slight vibrations in which I could make out various patterns. It wasn’t before long that I realized that these sounds were made by other intelligent beings that were manipulating the sense of sound to communicate. I resolved to master that ability.
Learning how to speak I think was the hardest ability I ever achieved. I remember my first attempt at speech failed miserably, and resulted in me creating sounds which were incoherent, certainly not part of any language, but they were enough for me to become noticed by the fine gentlemen at this academy. There was a great deal of commotion, and I heard them saying how they were going to slice me open, a decision that would have been perfectly understandable, even if it did end my life. Under the threat of being cut open, I was able to finally master the human language, and communicated that I did not wish to be sliced. At this there was even greater excitement than before, and people from outside the academy were brought in to teach me about the other senses. I could tell they were speaking down to me, but I didn’t mind considering that I was but a humble student, and I realize now that I was out of line to ask for better living conditions.
After quite some time I was able to master all the senses of a typical human being, although sadly I was diagnosed with full-body paralysis. Some of the gentlemen here offered me a variety of things for me to experience, one that I found particularly interesting was food. I particularly enjoy Mexican food. I find that there is something familiar tasting about it. After experiencing things so wonderful as these, I am escorted back into that cold, dark place they call “the refrigerator”. I understand now that it was for my own rejuvenation and preservation. As time passes my companions in the refrigerator come and go, and I am occasionally brought out for fresh air and new opportunities to learn.
And that, good sirs, is how I live my humble life. Graciously submitted at the whims of the esteemed gentlemen who control this fine culinary institution.